Sometime in early March you'll find me seated behind the faded wooden witness box, wearing the nicest outfit I have and telling fifty strangers what happened the night Gavin broke in my home. It's a very big, and scary thing to go through by yourself, but there are some things that just can't wait for the appropriate timing. My lawyer Maddy says that there's a good chance Gavin could serve fifteen years in prison all because of what he did to me. The thing of it is, I don't think hurting me is important enough to waste anyone's freedom. If it were just me in danger, I wouldn't speak against him. It's Cole too. 
 You'll find that some parents automatically find this heightened sense of terror over keeping their child safe. I'll wake up over ten times a night to check on him, make sure he's breathing and he isn't lying so that he'd be uncomfortable. It's a strange position to find yourself in, honestly putting someone else before you.
 I know that people say true love is just as strong, but there isn't a choice involved in my relationship with my son. If it comes down to me or him, I'm going without. No matter what the stakes are. It's my job, you know? True though, it's not a bad job. I'd take it over waitressing and bartending any night of the week. It is a huge task though, and one that you work on for years. I just hope I'm completley ready for this. I think so.
 
  I was supposed to have a date. This guy had a  nice smile, and the sweetest southern accent you've ever heard. He bought me a daquiri at the bar one night, and we started talking about life and random things. We spoke until nearly closing time and then we set a date to meet again. On a whim, I went out and bought a beautiful dress and did my hair and nails. 
I waited at the table for an hour before he walked in
With his date.
He didn't even bat an eye in my direction, so he either had forgotten or refused to take notice that he was doing me wrong. I'm used to it, so I did what I always do. I went outside and spun around in the rain, because I had no place to be and no real regards for staying dry and warm. For a few moments, I admit part of me wanted a big mac truck to just come and take me away. Seal the deal. Those moments only last for minutes though, and I would never act on them, it just sometimes feels easier to stop then to keep going. Again, I lost the luxury of the choice when I had Cole. There is no stopping. Each day he does something new, one small thing and gives me such hope. I run on it, it becomes my fuel. 

 Novak came along and took me back to the castle, we danced for awhile and then went and sat in the sauna to warm up. Novak is maybe my first boyfriend, sort of. We dated for a bit right before Bam and Jenn's battles began, and I met Gavin.  Brandon is a one of a kind guy, when you really know him you come to meet a romantic buried under tragedy. He loves red wine,  and reading, he writes non stop too, some of it I have been lucky enough to read, others he tends to keep to himself. I never thought for one minute of casting him aside, even if he was addicted. So what? That's a battle that only affects him in the end, you can't help him if you aren't around to be supportive when he starts fighting the shit. I wish I were around more, but everyonme gets that nervous 'over-staying my welcome' feeling every now and then. Though, he was my valentine and it made the day so much nicer to wake up to a surprise. I don't expect them much anymore, at least not in the form of classy jewelry. Usually formula stains on my shirt and spit up on me or Cole's sheets. Those are my surprises. 

I don't know. That's really the bottom line in general, isn't it? That no one really knows.

 Okay, I want to burn MTV down. Who's coming with me?  

 I feel like my heart is cracking in half all over again. More pieces on the floor to sweep up. Just what I  needed.

"Maybe you can pick out a really lavish wedding dress and Bam can think it's a bit too much. You can choose white even though..well..we all know that's bull, right Miss?"
 
Right, Missy?  The saddest part of this whole thing is the wedding of my dreams is just going to be  a role for the sake of comedy.  What's going to happen to me once everyone thinks that I'm Bam's girl? What then? MTC said there will be a wedding ring involved that I should probably wear most of the time until the buzz over the last episode dies down. Sure, why not? It's not like I want to be with someone ever. 

But, they threatened to throw Cole into the public eye, as welll as 'unviel some things' about Bam and Johnny. So, what? If I don't suck it up  I ruin three fucking lives.  Happy god damn new year. 

This is one of those times where I wish I didn't exist.