Sometime in early March you'll find me seated behind the faded wooden witness box, wearing the nicest outfit I have and telling fifty strangers what happened the night Gavin broke in my home. It's a very big, and scary thing to go through by yourself, but there are some things that just can't wait for the appropriate timing. My lawyer Maddy says that there's a good chance Gavin could serve fifteen years in prison all because of what he did to me. The thing of it is, I don't think hurting me is important enough to waste anyone's freedom. If it were just me in danger, I wouldn't speak against him. It's Cole too. 
 You'll find that some parents automatically find this heightened sense of terror over keeping their child safe. I'll wake up over ten times a night to check on him, make sure he's breathing and he isn't lying so that he'd be uncomfortable. It's a strange position to find yourself in, honestly putting someone else before you.
 I know that people say true love is just as strong, but there isn't a choice involved in my relationship with my son. If it comes down to me or him, I'm going without. No matter what the stakes are. It's my job, you know? True though, it's not a bad job. I'd take it over waitressing and bartending any night of the week. It is a huge task though, and one that you work on for years. I just hope I'm completley ready for this. I think so.
 
  I was supposed to have a date. This guy had a  nice smile, and the sweetest southern accent you've ever heard. He bought me a daquiri at the bar one night, and we started talking about life and random things. We spoke until nearly closing time and then we set a date to meet again. On a whim, I went out and bought a beautiful dress and did my hair and nails. 
I waited at the table for an hour before he walked in
With his date.
He didn't even bat an eye in my direction, so he either had forgotten or refused to take notice that he was doing me wrong. I'm used to it, so I did what I always do. I went outside and spun around in the rain, because I had no place to be and no real regards for staying dry and warm. For a few moments, I admit part of me wanted a big mac truck to just come and take me away. Seal the deal. Those moments only last for minutes though, and I would never act on them, it just sometimes feels easier to stop then to keep going. Again, I lost the luxury of the choice when I had Cole. There is no stopping. Each day he does something new, one small thing and gives me such hope. I run on it, it becomes my fuel. 

 Novak came along and took me back to the castle, we danced for awhile and then went and sat in the sauna to warm up. Novak is maybe my first boyfriend, sort of. We dated for a bit right before Bam and Jenn's battles began, and I met Gavin.  Brandon is a one of a kind guy, when you really know him you come to meet a romantic buried under tragedy. He loves red wine,  and reading, he writes non stop too, some of it I have been lucky enough to read, others he tends to keep to himself. I never thought for one minute of casting him aside, even if he was addicted. So what? That's a battle that only affects him in the end, you can't help him if you aren't around to be supportive when he starts fighting the shit. I wish I were around more, but everyonme gets that nervous 'over-staying my welcome' feeling every now and then. Though, he was my valentine and it made the day so much nicer to wake up to a surprise. I don't expect them much anymore, at least not in the form of classy jewelry. Usually formula stains on my shirt and spit up on me or Cole's sheets. Those are my surprises. 

I don't know. That's really the bottom line in general, isn't it? That no one really knows.

 Okay, I want to burn MTV down. Who's coming with me?  

 I feel like my heart is cracking in half all over again. More pieces on the floor to sweep up. Just what I  needed.

"Maybe you can pick out a really lavish wedding dress and Bam can think it's a bit too much. You can choose white even though..well..we all know that's bull, right Miss?"
 
Right, Missy?  The saddest part of this whole thing is the wedding of my dreams is just going to be  a role for the sake of comedy.  What's going to happen to me once everyone thinks that I'm Bam's girl? What then? MTC said there will be a wedding ring involved that I should probably wear most of the time until the buzz over the last episode dies down. Sure, why not? It's not like I want to be with someone ever. 

But, they threatened to throw Cole into the public eye, as welll as 'unviel some things' about Bam and Johnny. So, what? If I don't suck it up  I ruin three fucking lives.  Happy god damn new year. 

This is one of those times where I wish I didn't exist.   

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  So, it's my first Christmas as a mother, which leaves me filling the big shoes of Santa Clause while baby Cole sleeps soundly Sunday night. I know he's much too little to understand the gift thing, but I'm sure he'll find amusement in tearing at the paper. I got him a few good disney classics to watch, and a lot of new toys for the stages of crawling and such that he will soon enter. He's really in to chewing on things right now, which makes him seem a lot like a puppy, but I swear kids go through this knaw on everything phase. He always ends up chewing on the bangle Bam gave me like a year ago, probably because it's cold and smooth on his gums. Needless to say, I'm a tad nervous. See, I can just imagine the stress my parents were under every holiday to put on an elaborate and great Christmas, but to me this shit has always been about family and seeing someone else happy for a change. I never needed the fancy things, though they were nice to get and now looking back, it would be cool if I could afford those kinds of things. 
    I do get nice stuff for Cole though, the best that I can afford for him because right now he and my friends are my everything and I want to take care of them all. Although, at the moment I'm staring down an entire box of unwrapped Christmas gifts and a gigantic roll of silverand blue striped paper. It's glittery. How typical of me. 
I plan to get all these things wrapped  and ready to go by tonight, even if it kills me. Which, there's a lot of stuff to wrap..you guys may want to call me in the morning. Just to be sure. Seriously though, that part's kind of fun for awhile so it will all work out fine. 

  The other day it became apparent why Bam tends to cringe when I get ideas about road trips. They so rarely are the smartest of things I can manage. I came to him, Cole bundeled up and in hand and asked if he would drive us to see my aunt. It's not that my car has problems running, but in the icy weather I thought it best to let someone I trust like Bam handle the snowy situation. We did make it to my aunts andas usual, she doted over 'her boy' now, since Cole had been born 'her boys' she asked me how work was, and for Christmas she gave me a little 'home spa' type kit. "Relax once in awhile, Melissa" she'd told me. "You'll not get married ever looking all tired and...haggard" Yes, my aunt adores the very existence that is Bam. She's also an oldfasioned lady, and to show you how much she likes Bam i'll have you know the fact that he left her neice to strike up a homosexual relationship with a Finnish rockstar has never seemed to phase her. "How is your dinner? Would you like pie? How are you doing? How is Ville?" the interogation continued in that nature until we looked at the fact it was nearing midnight on the clock.
"Bam.." He looked like he'd been ready to go for sometime, but being as he could be polite when he neededto be he hadn't mentioned it.

 Finally, we were on the road home, Cole sleeping soundly and the music playing on low in the hummer. Wham. Snow drift. I don't need to say much more. Oh, and Bam...I read somewhere that a mother's instincts to care for her child can drive her to cannibalism if neccasary. Looks like you would have missed the baby meat boat anyway. You would have ended up much like  Emeril's creations. Bam! (Hah,..you know I'm just kidding. Besides, I didn't read that anywhere for real ;) )

I have droned on long enough, I'll look forward to seeing you all at Christmas!

xoxo
Missy 

  Bam told the room last night at Thanksgiving dinner, pretty much everyone knows my secret now, I guess. I don't know what I have to say for myself other theren I was just trying to protect everyone with one decision. I went away so that Bam wiouldn't catch on that I was pregnant and spend time torn up about what to do when he should be resting with Ville, living his life. I guess I couldn't hide it anymore, maybe that's one semi-good thing the stalker did. Bam would have never known if this guy hadn't gave the last push. So, he's a father. Ville tis too, if he chooses to see it in that light, afterall this kid  I sometimes think is more apart of Bam then my own.  He's got troiuble in his eyes, that general kind of funny mischief Bam was always into, I think that follows.

 It took me the longest time and bite the bullet, sit down and write this entry and how I feel, but I'm suddenly so very glad that I did, you know? I feel like the last piece of weight that was on my shoulders is gone, and I owe that to Bam. 

 For once this year, I have plenty of reasons to give thanks. I understand it now, I just sort of..get it.

So, I'm thankful for my parents and Jessi always being there for me.
I'm thankful that I have a job, no matter how crummy it is.
I'm thankful for Cole, because he's my best friend in the world
I'm thankful Bam made it through okay, and that he's the father of my child.

I am finding myself more emotional over this then I should be, leave it to a girl, right?  I'm proud. I'm a proud mother now, I don't liive in this little..silent home now where I can never tell anyone anything. I put those restrictions on myself all along, I think that is my biggest problem, assuming.

I'm going to make one more assumption though

Everything's going to be alright.