|
[May. 21st, 2007|01:30 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  creative | ] |
I'm so excited right now I barely know what to do with myself, I've been grinning ear to ear all morning and humming about hanging up decorations for Cole's birthday party tomorrow. I thought I was supposed to be the one giving him presents, but he decided yesterday that he was going to WALK right upto me and grab onto my leg. I was just standing there in the kitchen starting my supper and heard him mummble 'mom' and wrap his little arms around me. I thought I was going to die when I looked down and seen him there looking up at me with a huge proud grin. My baby knows how to walk. He's right on time too, they say that's usually what children learn to do once they are a year old. Hell, he's even like two days early. I've only seen him do it about three times over the past few days, but every time it's as if I'm watching some crazy miracle. I mean, a year ago he was so tiny and I had to hold him and hold his bottle so he would eat. He was so small that I could fully support him with just one arm cradeled under him. Now, he'll be a whole year older, and I don't want to miss a second of this.
Though, if you are still up for that dance Jared, I would be honored. I'm sorry we haven't spoken about it yet, but my days have been flying by me.
Dear Bam,
Two days ago Cole took his very first steps across the floor to me. It was honestly the most amazing thing I have ever seen, and I would have taped it for you the other two times he walked, but I didn't want to see life through the lens of a camera. I figured since your life is all about the limelight, you may not mind watching your son's biggest moment yet played back on some distant t.v. I just thought maybe it's better if you see it yourself. Even if you don't get to see it until he's walking to the bus stop in the morning, or skating to school. It just isn't right that you should be allowed to know of him in any way that helps make it easier for you to be less personable with him. At least for right now, because I want so bad to see him look at you like he does me that it kills me. He doesn't know dad yet, but he says mom a lot. He manages other words too, I think the other day he came out with 'nana' to Ape, but I'm not sure. She'll probably tell you about it. We came over looking for you because I was letting him play with fingerpaints and we decided to paint for you. We are such awesome artists, you'll find a kinda weird looking heart and hand prints inside it lying somewhere on your dresser. He didn't sign it, but unless Wee man is sneaking into your bedroom and leaving you love letters, it's safe to assume you'd at least know whose little hand prints they were. I'm not mad with you, understand that. I am working hard though, really, really fucking hard. I watch him every second to make sure that he's going to be okay. I have this deep seated fear that something will happen. Motherly instincts, I think they call that fear. I usually keep going with this ridiculous routine I've set myself in just for him. I can barely stand that I've had to hire a sitter since Audrey got married and Jessi has a steady boyfriend. I can't expect our mothers to do it, because they went through it with each of us. I think that we each put them through enough that they deserve a break of sorts. I don't know, I;m not even sure why I'm writing all of this stuff. I'm never going to mail this to you. I'm weak. I'll never have the heart to scream I wish you were here just once. I see these families all the time and not even couples, just two people like us that had a baby in ill timing and situation. They always seem to come together differently though, maybe formed more over their child. I just get stirred when I see the affection that some fathers have for their child, they look so proud when they do something. I saw a little boy in the park playing cowboy, and I guess since it's such a rite of passage for boys, the father was smiling at him so fondly. There aren't guys to help with that in Cole's life. I know about music, and clothes, and waiting tables. I don't have half of the intelligence or ability to help him in school like you do. Maybe one reason I won't send this is because I can't convince myself no matter how hard I try that this is your problem too. Your life seems so much further away from ours. I grew up without daddy and maybe I just thought and wanted it to be different for Cole. It was the one thing that bothered me most as a teen, I just wanted a little bit of normal. My father died though, so I knew that oppertunity wouldn't come. It just seems as if it would nag so much more if I knew that he was just too busy. He's growing up Bam, and you're missing it. Why? Are we that time consuming and chore riddeled for you? I'm not mad. How can you be mad at someone that will never understand?
--Melissa |
|
|
| Comments: |
I guess I wish I would have known you were throwing a birthday thing before I left town. I wanted to help, or something. I guess I thought it was in June, not May. Fuck. Can he have two birthdays?
It's today May 22nd, a whole year today. I'm flustered.
We can do something when you get back from...I don't really know where you are, heh. Call me or something and we'll figure it out.
( As a side note, I was oiginally going off your journal... which said Cole's birthday was on June 20th if you look back. Eeh eheh.. I was gonna have Bam do something then, because I thought he had a month, haha. So.. yeah, not sure what to do for that. Maybe hit me up later on AIM if you're around? )
Looks like I'll have to go get Cole a pair of kiddie Chucks for his birthday. He's gotta walk around all emokid, like me.
You do that and I'll get the eyeliner. It can be a joint effort, you know?
I could toss in a kiddie MCR t-shirt, too.
Missy will hate us.
Do they make those?
There must be something with a heartagram on it. All self respecting emo-babies have heartagrams, I'm sure.
damn Im soo sorry I missed that. I'm gonna get him something good when I get back in Westchester. I kinda left town without any mention. I'v been back on the road with my job but I will be back sometime today. I'm gonna get my same room at the hotel for awhile. I have some big news..
anyways congrats momma!! hehe you are definatly considered a MILF. :]
I'm in Europe now, but I'm still up for it when we get back to the states, since we'll be off touring for a bit. Unless you have a spare 600$ to blow, then you could just come and dace with me in Berlin ;) | |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
missys_haggard's journal
